The “Asshole Guy” Who Isn’t — A Tribute to Stanford Prof. Bob Sutton
It takes an unusual human being to write a book titled The No Asshole Rule. It takes an exceptional one to live by it. Professor Robert Sutton — or simply “Bob,” as everyone affectionately knows him — is one of the kindest, most generous souls I’ve ever met.
The irony, of course, is hard to miss: the man associated with the word “asshole” is, in fact, the very opposite of one.
I’ve had the privilege of calling Bob a friend for over a decade. Brilliant yet humble, sharp yet compassionate, he has long been my guiding light. At Stanford, he challenged convention when necessary and embraced tradition when wise. He could cut through noise with piercing clarity, yet never cut anyone down in the process.
To know a man, attend his farewell.
I was fortunate to be at Bob’s retirement celebration (now Emeritus faculty), held at the beautiful Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences (CASBS) campus. The stories shared were not about his accolades but about his impact. One moment in particular, shared by former student Shona Brown, captured the essence of Bob’s spirit:
“The Bank of Bob lent me $500 — a lot in 1989 — when I arrived as a penniless student and couldn’t make it to my first Stanford paycheck.” Bob saw potential where others saw risk. He bet on people, not profiles.
Our connection began in SAP Labs Palo Alto.
We met at SAP Labs Palo Alto through a warm introduction by Sam Yen, then Managing Director. We bonded instantly — both of us fathers to children on the autism spectrum. He had heard about the Autism at Work initiative I had launched and reached out to learn more. True to form, the more he sought to learn, the more he ended up teaching.
Though I never sat in his classroom, every conversation with Bob (often paired with his equally brilliant collaborator Prof Huggy Rao) felt like a masterclass — in psychology, in leadership, and in humanity. Whenever I needed advice, he was there. Fully present. Never transactional.
Wine, wisdom, and wholehearted friendship
Our annual meetups over wine became cherished rituals of unfiltered conversations, contagious laughter, and insights that lingered long after the last sip. Whenever I invited him to speak at the SAP Academy for Engineering, he would always say, “Ferose, I’ll do it free for you,” and then quietly donate his speaker fee to a nonprofit. Of course, he never missed a chance to tease me. “Ferose, you should start a cult!” he’d say with a grin.
Seven Lessons I Carry from Bob Sutton
- Multiply Curiosity with Generosity
Huggy Rao said it beautifully, “Bob multiplies curiosity with generosity.” He gave his most valuable asset — his time — freely and often. People sometimes said he was “too nice.” He wasn’t. He simply redefined what true strength in kindness looks like.
2. Reject Social Comparison
Bob never chased titles or trophies (even though he has won many). He knew who he was — and that was enough.
3. Assholes Destroy Workplaces
Bob’s landmark book, The No Asshole Rule, wasn’t about being nice — it was about being humane. He taught us that workplace culture is shaped by what we tolerate, and that power should protect the vulnerable. He once wrote: “Even if being an asshole helps you win, if you are a winner and an asshole, you’re still an asshole.” And he didn’t want to be around them. Not to forget, we all can be assholes sometimes — Bob confesses that he has been on occasions, but he feels terrible about it later! That, perhaps, is the real rule: not perfection, but self-awareness and the will to do better.
4. Some Friction is Good
In The Friction Project, Bob and Huggy explore how smart leaders reduce destructive friction while amplifying the kind that drives excellence. The best leaders make the right things easier and the wrong things harder. Change, Bob taught, isn’t just about adding — it’s about subtracting what no longer serves.
5. Create Infectious Action
In his early days at the Stanford Design School, Bob taught a course called Creating Infectious Action. The goal? Design ideas that spread. The formula was simple and powerful:
- Create something remarkable.
- Wrap it in a sticky story.
- Find the right community — and light small fires. Then pour fuel on them.
Ideas die in isolation. Bob taught us how to make them spread.
6. Hire People Who Make You Uncomfortable
He believed in surrounding yourself with strong-willed, challenging individuals — the kind that stretch your thinking, even if they shake your ego.
7. Quit When You Know It’s Time
After 41 remarkable years at Stanford — having served as faculty at the Management Science and Engineering Department since 1983 — Bob didn’t simply retire. He chose to step away with grace. Far from slowing down, he will continue writing, speaking, and working with the same passion and intensity. The only difference: he’s freed from the weight of administrative duties, and now gets to use his time on his own terms. In his departure, Bob offered us a powerful lesson: quitting is not failure — it is freedom. The ability to let go, at the right moment, is a rare kind of wisdom. One that few ever truly master.
One of my favorite stories came from Jeffrey Pfeffer, who recalled: “Bob and I were in his Littlefield office, arguing loudly. Jim Van Horne knocked on the door and asked, ‘Were you screaming at each other?’ Bob replied, ‘Yes.’ Jim said, ‘I thought you two liked each other.’ Bob smiled and said, ‘We love each other. But if two people agree all the time, one of them is redundant.’”
Disagreement, in Bob’s world, wasn’t a threat. It was a path to deeper thought — and stronger relationships.
Farewells are like funerals — except you get to speak. And Bob, you’ve given us so much to say. You once said, “I have a long list of friends — and a short list of enemies. I’m equally proud of both.” That sums you up perfectly. Your list of admirers is endless. I am honored to be one of them.
Thank you for being exactly who you are — the “asshole guy” who taught us how not to be one.
